Updated: Dec 7, 2020
This particular blog post is written from a Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse POV
2020 has been a unusual year of re-connection and perhaps disconnection if you are anything like me. Unkind humans who have personally wounded me from many eons ago seem to think that upon the advent of a world-wide crisis it is now a perfect time to find my contact details and proceed to send unsuitable and untimely communications. Why do toxic abuser's never start their communications with a true honest apology? Oh wait Narcissist are 100% manipulators who can only repeat their own insane cycles of love-bombing, convenience, abuse, pain and discard.
On one level I feel some type of sympathy for these people due to the magical effects of: 'disassociation' however on the other hand being a recipient of their discontent, unhappiness, hot/cold treatments, psychotic episodes, incessant need for attention and finances has knocked all of that happy clappy 'association' feeling out of me. After a suitable period of toxicity inducing, trauma bonding enmeshment you ultimately start mirroring their empty, devoid souls and you are left feeling bereft, lost, robbed and devoid of rationale thinking.
Its actually in the process of letting go that all common sense and rationality returns. In fact you don't realise it at the time but the further the toxic person runs from you the greater your chances of success and recovery. By being abandoned; I mastered the ability to 'Let Go' of people, circumstances, jobs and behaviors that were no longer relative to my growth.
The most liberating thing about being wounded by toxic people is the human ability to heal, transform, be better, sharper, prettier more wholesome, more You. Its no fun being stuck in victim mentality hoping, wishing sometimes praying for the person(s) who hurt you to take back the pain they so deliberately inflicted upon you? Reflecting back; I have had to reconfigure my internal childhood programming, re-learn and utilse the power of relationship boundaries and learn to love myself with due diligent care. No easy feat in a heavily, media led, consumer lifestyle society.
However you can and will work through your childhood wounds (yes we all have them) and you will come to many resolutions in your heart and soul. The life-cycle of grief is a very necessary part of healing ourselves and often time many tears are shed in private/public alongside intermittent self-flagellation. Acceptance and the subsequent healing of co-dependency issues within does not become absolved according to the number of social media hearts and blue ticks we receive from online attention no, no, no that work is deep, invasive, intense, 'walking through the valley' biblical times.
I have noticed a trend for people who have undergone Narcissist Abuse spending an inordinate amount of time researching and understanding the other's person condition prior to acceptance and healing of thy own self, it's interesting that we keep abandoning ourselves until we no longer can!
How long you stay in any one of those five cycles of grief depends on how many distractions your have in your life: work, family, children caring responsibilities as well as childhood dysfunctional programming from parents/carers/family all delay our healing. We were taught to take care of others before we take care of our self, how upside down is this nurturing?
At some point we have to accept responsibility for our own healing, no amount of intense praying or returning to the same person(s) who originally wounded you will rectify that deep, intense often empty chasm that is within.
I believe it is called 'cognitive dissonance' when we know a person is bad for us but we keep returning to that source of pain looking for answers.
Bob/ Bridget the relationship builder's often return to their source of pain inherently believing;
Through our love/ actions we can change him/her
That their Future Faking is real and they have changed both in behavior and actions
Only we have the power to give them the necessary support during a difficult time
2020 the year of the Pandemic has surely changed their toxic ways
All the above are comforting lies we tell ourselves, absolving our true self of the ensuring guilt that will surely envelop us by returning to those that continue to cause us hurt. We cannot and we should not love them better, rebuild a fractured mind or even assist someone else with their physical health unless first they request our assistance secondly and most importantly they wish to seek the appropriate remedies for and by themselves.
Who sold us the screenplay of loving someone to the detriment of own divine self? The most caring and compassionate thing we can do for a person who has toxic behaviors; "When You Know You Go"
Freedom/healing first starts with acknowledging one's feelings, finding your own truths, using your voice and validating yourself first. If in the presence of another person;
you consistently feel bad
you have to account for time/actions
your mind often feels confused
you feel judged
you have little or no privacy
your finances are controlled
you are not allowed regular contact with friends/family
you are regularly lied to
you are beaten and/or verbal assaulted
He/she fakes a plausible, good, kind person in public especially on social media's,
well hello December, the most perfect time of the year, Sagittarius season and winter quickly approaching. In winter nature strips away vegetation and restricts growth of everything green. This signifies a great time to clear out no good, bad-intention humans from your life by deliberating and calculating commencing a strict and everlasting NO Contact regime.
Take a good look around your perfect, tranquil, peaceful, stark white back drop which is your environment. Then commence to create, draw, paint, dance, exercise, bake, cook and facilitate your way forward to being the greatness version of yourself. After all you spent so much time investing in someone else with very little return yes I know!
Just don't be like Ruth of the bible; Never Look Back. 'They really don't make them like YOU no more'
PS if your current abuser is a relationship partner, he/she will have with a 100% certainty 2/3 mobile phones/sim cards that you were totally unaware of. (Check his/her car/work-place/bedroom and thank me later).